Worn Pantyhose Auction Buyer Harvests DNA

March 24, 2008

Ann Arbor, MI (IB) – Straight from the pages of the Mary Shelley novel ‘Frankenstein’, federal investigators uncovered an unconventional laboratory in the basement of a Michigan home. What is perhaps the first case of its kind, Thomas Hanes was taken into custody for harvesting DNA that he obtained by purchasing pairs of worn women’s hosiery. Mr. Hanes obtained the pairs of worn pantyhose from a multitude of women including Hooters waitresses, airline stewardesses and assorted women selling their sweat soaked nylons online. He was then able to harvest DNA from the pantyhose fibers and began cultivating his specimens in his basement laboratory.

During the press conference following the Hanes arrest, Chief Investigator Alonzo Mosely compared the scene inside the Hanes house to the basement of Wild Bill from the novel and movie ‘Silence of the Lambs’. ‘If we hadn’t received a tip from the electric company notifying us of an unusual spike in electrical usage in the Hanes home, we may have not been able to shut down his little sex lab before he had a chance to grow his own harem of fetish sex women from scratch. I mean he was literally scratching the DNA from the crusty toes and crotches of the pantyhose that he obtained from the unsuspecting women that he patronized during his pantyhose buying binge.’

Sources close to the investigation said that several female federal employees posed as worn pantyhose sellers on a website generated by the Department of Justice. When Mr. Hanes placed orders for worn pantyhose through the website, the federal employees peeling off their sheer, control top and reinforced toe pantyhose in their offices, sealed them in zip lock baggies, and express mailed the pantyhose packages to Mr. Hanes. Federal investigators had to wait until they had evidence that Mr. Hanes had harvested DNA from the women’s pantyhose before executing their search warrant on the Hanes residence. As of the writing of this article, the federal pantyhose selling website remains active, and the pantyhose profiles of the female employees who sold their worn pantyhose to help keep our nation free can be seen HERE.

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